So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
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