after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
