There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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