are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize