he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
We need to get me chipped asap
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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