I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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