I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
false alarm. still invincible.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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