2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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