i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
