evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
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