you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
