I think I won the penis lottery.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
In other news, I just burned my penis
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
