I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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