My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
