Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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