Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize