Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
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