Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
