Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
