Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
