david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
