Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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