I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
