I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
