Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
