I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
