I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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