Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
