It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
