Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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