The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
only you would photoshop your dick
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize