I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
