You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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