I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
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