I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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