we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Randomize
