Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize