The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
