I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Randomize
