Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Randomize
