well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
time to smoke my breakfast
my shit smells like andre
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize