Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
