there's paper in my vomit.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Randomize