my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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