I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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