Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize