dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
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