Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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