haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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