did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
