My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
what day is it and did you see me today?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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