Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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