2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
