He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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