i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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