Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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