I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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