Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
she pinky promised me she was 18
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
