Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
