there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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