Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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