So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
