420 ftw
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
