I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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